I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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