Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
