mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
