i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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