Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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