Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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