I just pynch a tree in the face
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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