So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
