i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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