i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
