Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
