Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
