the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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