i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
