You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
