so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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