Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
