you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
