I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize