K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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