i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
