dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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