Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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