Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The uberlube is also flammable
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
