Your face is a jimmy john
i just wanna soil my oats bro
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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