dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
