Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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