It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
