doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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