Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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