just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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