Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
