I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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