He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
