i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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