I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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