he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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