wrigley field is MILF paradise
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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