I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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