Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
