Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
