i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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