Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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