his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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