FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
