Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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