my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
