Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????