the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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