Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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