yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
