chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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