R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
